Stitching or smooching?

February 23, 2010 at 11:17 pm | Posted in Love and knitting | Leave a comment
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A loved-up knitter turns to his Aunty Gerty to untangle the problem of his love of the knit and his green-eyed girl.

Dear Gerty

Lately I find that my girlfriend is becoming envious of my yarn stash. She seems to think I spend more time with my knitting than I do with her. I am worried I may have to stop knitting in order to keep our love off the rocks.

Is there anything I can do to keep my knitting and my girl?

Yours torn
Tangled of Tottenham

At my signal, unleash PURL!

Tangled of Tottenham you really are quiet a sad little man. Choose between your yarn and your lady? Where is the choice, I ask you?! It’s like asking Gerty to choose between a nice gin and tonic and a glass of tap water.

But as you do seem to need to love of a good woman as well as your yarny amour I have a few suggestions for you.

You could always encourage her to take up a hobby of her own so you can mock it in return. I’ve always been fond of throwing my scorn at those who totter along the glue-and-glitter gutter that is scrapbooking.

If you can’t get her hooked then simply join a scrapbooking website under her name, spend large amounts of time on said website, then simply present her with the evidence of just how much time she devotes to scrapbooking. Her confusion and your insistence that it was she who posted 400 times in the “Whimsical scrapbooking papers” thread may be enough to shut her up about the whole thing while she questions her own sanity. Perhaps she’ll be sitting quietly rocking in a corner, but it’s effective nonetheless.

Taking up a more worrying hobby could also be a winner. Historical war re-enactment perhaps. Start wearing fleeces, grow a scrubby underbeard and hang out in Games Workshops. She’ll beg you to go back to the knitting and start shaving properly.

That isn't how you knit Russell...

Another idea is to show her photos of Russell Crowe knitting. Then make yourself a Russell Crowe mask and wear the mask each time you knit in her presence. If you bulk up enough and get a bit ranty she won’t be able to tell the difference and will just be pleased to find a hot celebrity crafting in her home.

If all else fails dump her and move on. Deep down you know that anyone who doesn’t understand your feelings for fibre is no good.

Why not use your yarn stash to knit yourself a replacement girlfriend? Think of the benefits. She’d be warm, woolly and winsome. She’d be one with your yarn stash rather than against it. She’d also make a fine draught excluder in this chilly season.

Or save your stash and join a knitting group where you might well find a girlfriend who won’t whine about your time with your sticks and string. There are many fine fibre-fevered fillies at S&B London meetings each week just longing for a knitting Romeo to share their stitching with. Though you may experience stash envy of a different kind. Many knitting romances have ended in sorry ‘my stash is bigger than your stash’ break ups too scandalous to impart here online. You have been warned.

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How to hide my stash?

October 11, 2009 at 11:42 pm | Posted in From the Ravelry stash, You and your knitting | 1 Comment
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Woodstock hadnt noticed a thing

Woodstock hadn't noticed a thing

This week I answer a question I know all of us yarn-junkies are twitching to know the answer to, from one of our dear Ravelites:

Dear Gerty,
How do I continue to feed my yarn habit and keep the ever-growing stash hidden from my boyfriend? I am running out of room for both in the flat. I really do want to keep both of them, but one day there will be an explosion from my vacuum bag packed yarn and we will both be lost in a knotty web forever.
Many thanks
Hippolyra

Well Hippolyra, my dear, what are we going to do with you. Your yarn habit is taking over your humble abode and you are on the verge of causing a yarn-based apocalypse or, worse still, drowing the one you love in wool.

The solution is really very simple: the yarn-ball pet.

Here is what you do: pop out to the nearest pet shop and buy yourself a hamster cage, in the cage place a couple of balls of yarn. Voila, the yarn balls become beasts. Remember to carefully empty and refill their food and water dishes at intervals to keep up the charade. Chocolate-covered raisins make excellent fake pet poo.

As your stash grows so can your pet. After a trip to a yarn sale you may want to purchase a litter tray and catnip toy for the yarn-cat look, or grab a collar, lead and frisbee and place your stash in a basket by the fireside for the ultimate in convincing yarn hound.

If things get really out of hand there are stables that can be hired in which your yarn-horse can be housed.

You’re not buying more yarn, Hippolyra, you’re adding a four-legged friend to your household. Admittedly it won’t fetch, purr or run on its wheel but with enough work on your part you could house an entire yarn menagerie without your partner suspecting a thing, and with less cleaning up after than a real beast. Everyone is a winner.

Knitting time travel?

October 11, 2009 at 11:14 pm | Posted in From the Ravelry stash, You and your knitting | 1 Comment
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The Doctor appreciates a fine scarf

The Doctor appreciates a fine scarf

A question from one of our S&B London Ravellers gets Gerty thinking about sonic screwdrivers…

Hello Aunty Gerty.
Would you like some cake ? I have a question for you. How can I make more time for knitting?
Alpacaaddict

Hello AlpacaAddict and thank you for your question. A tricky one.

You have several options to make sure you have ample time to get your knit on:

a. The practical option – Give up housework and live like a slattern. Cockroaches may scuttle across your scummy surfaces, mice may make nests in your stash, and spiders may make cobwebs on your unused crochet hooks but what will you care when you have a fine knitted garment to take out on the town?

b. Lure passersby off the street using a friendly alpaca and cake spiked with obedience potion, then use them to do all the housework. Lots of knitting time and someone to make you cups of tea while you do so.


c. Find yourself a Time Lord and marry him. The tardis will take you wherever you want to go and they’re always rather dashing chaps to boot.

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