Stitching or smooching?

February 23, 2010 at 11:17 pm | Posted in Love and knitting | Leave a comment
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A loved-up knitter turns to his Aunty Gerty to untangle the problem of his love of the knit and his green-eyed girl.

Dear Gerty

Lately I find that my girlfriend is becoming envious of my yarn stash. She seems to think I spend more time with my knitting than I do with her. I am worried I may have to stop knitting in order to keep our love off the rocks.

Is there anything I can do to keep my knitting and my girl?

Yours torn
Tangled of Tottenham

At my signal, unleash PURL!

Tangled of Tottenham you really are quiet a sad little man. Choose between your yarn and your lady? Where is the choice, I ask you?! It’s like asking Gerty to choose between a nice gin and tonic and a glass of tap water.

But as you do seem to need to love of a good woman as well as your yarny amour I have a few suggestions for you.

You could always encourage her to take up a hobby of her own so you can mock it in return. I’ve always been fond of throwing my scorn at those who totter along the glue-and-glitter gutter that is scrapbooking.

If you can’t get her hooked then simply join a scrapbooking website under her name, spend large amounts of time on said website, then simply present her with the evidence of just how much time she devotes to scrapbooking. Her confusion and your insistence that it was she who posted 400 times in the “Whimsical scrapbooking papers” thread may be enough to shut her up about the whole thing while she questions her own sanity. Perhaps she’ll be sitting quietly rocking in a corner, but it’s effective nonetheless.

Taking up a more worrying hobby could also be a winner. Historical war re-enactment perhaps. Start wearing fleeces, grow a scrubby underbeard and hang out in Games Workshops. She’ll beg you to go back to the knitting and start shaving properly.

That isn't how you knit Russell...

Another idea is to show her photos of Russell Crowe knitting. Then make yourself a Russell Crowe mask and wear the mask each time you knit in her presence. If you bulk up enough and get a bit ranty she won’t be able to tell the difference and will just be pleased to find a hot celebrity crafting in her home.

If all else fails dump her and move on. Deep down you know that anyone who doesn’t understand your feelings for fibre is no good.

Why not use your yarn stash to knit yourself a replacement girlfriend? Think of the benefits. She’d be warm, woolly and winsome. She’d be one with your yarn stash rather than against it. She’d also make a fine draught excluder in this chilly season.

Or save your stash and join a knitting group where you might well find a girlfriend who won’t whine about your time with your sticks and string. There are many fine fibre-fevered fillies at S&B London meetings each week just longing for a knitting Romeo to share their stitching with. Though you may experience stash envy of a different kind. Many knitting romances have ended in sorry ‘my stash is bigger than your stash’ break ups too scandalous to impart here online. You have been warned.

Are You a Man or a Yarn Swift?

November 19, 2009 at 5:49 pm | Posted in Gertrude goings on, Love and knitting | Leave a comment
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Gerty goes all Sergeant Major

Domestic strife over turning unruly skeins into something more managable? I give the knitting world a few tips on turning your other half into the yarn swift of your dreams.

Dear Gerty

Is there an easy way to wind a hank/skein of laceweight yarn into a useable ball without a yarn swift? All I have to help me wind it is a man. I don’t have a useful ballwinder.

Help please. I need to know how to alleviate his boredom from holding the skein and how to stop the pain in my hands after winding for so long,
Your devoted fan
Confused Claire

Dear Confused Claire. What a predicament. With no swift to tame your skeins what you need to do is tame your man. So here are a few suggestions on how to ensure more winding and less whining.

Option one: Tell him it’s a Wii fit game. Simply attach a wire to part of the skein and watch the concentration on his face as he tries to get bonus points for avoiding tangles.

Option two: Got a spinning desk chair?  Use the skein to tie him to the chair and spin him round as you wind the ball. You get a useful body to hold the skein tight on the chair. He gets a nice fairground ride.

Option three: Tell him it’s some kind of cage fighting endurance training and scream “WHAT KIND OF A MUMMY’S BOY ARE YA??!?!?” and “YOU’LL NEVER GET TO THE END OF THIS SKEIN, YOU ‘ORRIBLE SPECIMEN OF A MAN!!!” in his face while he is holding it so he doesn’t flag.

Option four: Tell him your last boyfriend/his dad/that bloke from accounts at work who you smiled at when he met you from work once could hold it up for hours.

If all else fails, Confused, perhaps you could leave his laptop browser open on a couple of nice swifts on eBay. Christmas is acomin’ after all.

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